My friend Sofia asked me, "Do you like it or do you love it?" earlier this year, two months ago exactly to be precise, when we were talking about how I feel about my new college.  It was late one Sunday San Francisco night and after a long "season start" staff meeting extravaganza and a stop at Walgreens on Powell, we were sitting on an apartment window ledge.  She was chain-smoking cigarettes and I was delicately sipping my grapefruit Vitamin Water to make it last as long as possible. This question may have been the most important thing anyone has asked me this year, not because the subject matter (school) is incredibly important, but because it poses the opportunity to really reflect on how you feel about something. 

Most of the time, we don't really bother to squeeze the truth out of our friends, acquaintances, or family members, for most of us are so used to hearing generic "Yeah, I like it" or "Yeah, I'm good" responses daily.  I think we are kind of conditioned to settle and avoid going into grandiose detail about our lives unless we know the other person really wants to hear it.  Plus, it's easier to assume you like something than to think about how much you are unsatisfied with it deep-down.  But she wanted to hear it and it made me realize that we deserve to truly like (meaning, love) things and to have other people care enough to really ask. 

It made me wish people weren't so isolated from one another and afraid to be honest.  People get impatient and don't like to really listen to you, even if you're their friend and that bothers me.  I've had one of my good friends tell me to stop complaining and that I'm being a debbie downer, but you know what?  That's life.  And it's your responsibility as a friend to listen to me and at least pretend to care.  Otherwise, find some boring, happy people to surround yourself with.  I'm sure your friendship will be super deep and meaningful. 

This year I think I vow to do two things.  No, I really don't, because who can do something challenging for a whole year straight, really?  But, if I could, and I wanted to badly enough, I would become a more straightforward person.  "Be straightforward" and "Take your own initiative."  Sounds corny, but these are two core work values that I should be a lot better at.  I also need to demand more from others.  This one is really crucial.  I've become so used to settling because I don't want to mess things up.  This is really dangerous I think, because on one hand you are happy, but on the other you are miserable.  You like how things are when you are pretending nothing is wrong-- in fact you love it-- but the idea of bringing up the problems you are having with someone else could potentially breed some response that you don't want to hear.  And possibly some truths you do not want to believe. 

Ughh... I wish things could be simpler.  Why can't everyone be as considerate as I am?  I mean, I may be depressing (I'm really not, though) and I may be indecisive and sometimes too nonchalant about things, but at least I think about other people's feelings and how I could be positively and negatively affecting them on a daily basis.  I think that's the most important thing you can do as a person. 

Why don't others get that?  Why can't we communicate with each other?  I just realized something.  Like, BAM.  I have really bad communication skills.  I guess that can be interpreted from above, but it's nice to have a word, a singly noun, to keep in mind.  I think I don't like communication because it means facing reality.  So, 2009: Here's to "communication"...  and not living so much in my mind.